


A Decision Made

by vega_voices



Series: Sleeps with Butterflies [30]
Category: CSI
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-22
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:15:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She often worried about passing along her own stories to a child, she feared being unable to break the cycle of abuse, and she admitted to irrational worries of a deaf child. It was hard enough to raise a child with no limitations, but a child who was deaf?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Decision Made

_**fanfic: A Decision Made**_  
 **Title:** A Decision Made  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** CSI  
 **Pairing:** Grissom/Sara  
 **Rating:** Mature  
 **Timeframe:** Pretty much right now in terms of CSI timeline.  
 **A/N:** This is part of the [Sleeps with Butterflies](http://vega-voices.livejournal.com/tag/sleeps%20with%20butterflies) universe. This is for [](http://kittyknighton.livejournal.com/profile)[**kittyknighton**](http://kittyknighton.livejournal.com/), who challenged me to a fic. This is my response.  
 **Disclaimer:** I am TRYING to get hired by CSI. It isn’t working. When I do, you realize, I can’t write fic anymore. ;) Seriously, I have no financial claim to these characters and when we go play, I do things that TPTB have said shouldn’t happen. Note on people mentioned in this fic, Craig Childs is an author and researcher who has published a great many books on the West and the Desert life here. He and his wife Reagan have no idea how much they’ve influenced my writing, nor have they given permission to be mentioned in this piece but to me, it seems to make sense that in some alternate universe, the Grissom-Sidle family knows them. :)

 **Summary:** She often worried about passing along her own stories to a child, she feared being unable to break the cycle of abuse, and she admitted to irrational worries of a deaf child. It was hard enough to raise a child with no limitations, but a child who was deaf?

The wind danced through sand while waves pounded the shore. A recent storm created nervous tension on the beach, and red flags still warned of higher seas. The aftershocks near Japan were not over and every time the earth shook, Sara was reminded just how small the planet was.

It had been her idea to escape the concrete jungles of Vegas when Gil returned home, finally, from the excavations in Peru. It wasn’t fair, she knew, to be at all resentful for his chances to play in the jungle, but a part of her still smarted. If they’d received the entire sum of grant money they’d applied for, she would have been with him, digging through graves and cataloging history.

But they both loved California, and the beaches were always a calming influence on both of their overactive brains. So they walked a beach attached to a camp ground, holding hands as if the world meant to rip them away from each other yet again. Not this time, she challenged the universe. For a few weeks, they had each other.

“I think Catherine’s planning to retire.” The comment surprised her, considering it had been nowhere in her thought process. But somehow, it made sense to bring up her suspicions now. “She’s been passing cases off recently, focusing more on supervising than evidence collection.”

“It might be time for her to move on.” Gil’s voice was soft and his fingers tightened over hers. “It happens for all of us.”

“And some of us just need a change of scenery.” They came to a fence and paused, leaning back against the weather-beaten wood, looking at the surfers who took their chances in the dangerous waves.

“I’m sorry, Sara.” His voice was full of the regret she knew he felt about the research grant. They’d long since moved past her disappointment, but now with the dig only temporarily over, his homecoming threatened by their need to have him still working, the scar tissue was inflamed and itchy.

Feeling petulant, Sara shook her head. “Please don’t be. I just …” she stared at the water and was glad Gil knew her well enough to remain silent while she tried to press through her emotions. “I want to be with you, yes. But your being in Peru made a lot more sense than me and we really couldn’t afford both of us going, not with the economy the way it is. I’ve moved on and anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing Craig and Reagan this summer. But there’s something else going on right now.”

“What?”

She sensed his blue eyes glance briefly at her but he then looked away, back at the ocean. She studied him out of the corner of her eye, envisioning a little boy with his curly hair and bright blue eyes. It wasn’t fair, she knew, to be the one to bring this up. He usually did, wondering if her on again/off again desire for children was being pushed aside so they could focus on travel and research. She was always quick to shut him down, but since the earthquake in Japan, her thoughts had drifted more and more to children.

Over the course of his time in Peru, Gil had extolled story after story of what parents passed along to children. Everything from the creation of the world to sexual pleasure, they told stories and passed along culture. She often worried about passing along her own stories to a child, she feared being unable to break the cycle of abuse, and she admitted to irrational worries of a deaf child. It was hard enough to raise a child with no limitations, but a child who was deaf?

What damage would they do as parents?

But more than culture having a right to be preserved, she felt a need to bring a child onto the planet. It was more than a biological drive to breed, but a conscious longing to help shape a generation that would be better than the one who birthed it. It was more than a mythical biological clock telling her that time was running out, but a part of her soul that spoke to her, whispering stories of a child who could sign as well as speak, of a child who celebrated the cultures that so fascinated his or her parents.

She was no longer frightened by her past or by a future she worried would not be there in the morning. She was happy in the present and she wanted that joy to carry on.

“I think it’s time to have a real conversation about children, Gil.”

She saw him stop breathing for just a moment. In that split second, she knew his mind was running through the possibilities: she was in fact pregnant, she’d learned she couldn’t have children, she was vetoing the idea forever, she wanted to try, she was tired of his mother pestering her. His shoulders released their tension and he turned to her, confused and concerned and open to discussion. They leaned against the fence, now facing each other, and around them, sea gulls cawed and sand blew.

“We’ve had real conversations before, Sara.”

“I’m not talking about setting up the what if plan. I’m talking about having children.”

There was a plan, in fact. When Natalie had abducted her, Sara was two weeks late with her period. Fear had kept her from telling Gil until that very night, and he’d gone to work nervous and giddy while she’d planned to go to the drug store to pick up a test they would do on whatever lunch break they managed to get. But she’d been abducted before she even made it to the drug store and it had been an infection in her uterus that had delayed her period. Discovered when her vitals would not stabilize, what it did do was prompt a conversation about “what if.”

The conversation led to the decision that if it happened, they would welcome the chance to be parents. An account was set up at the bank and money diverted each month. If Sara did not get pregnant before it was too late for her to conceive, the money would become a second nest egg for retirement.

By “second nest egg” Sara knew Gil meant for her to use it after his death. But she didn’t plan for him to leave her side any time soon.

“I want to try, Gil.”

He reached out, a hand on her cheek, and stroked a loose strand of hair back behind her ear. “What brought about this change of heart?”

“A lot of things.”

“I think I deserve to hear them.” He was smiling and she moved closer, letting him wrap his arms around her. As always, she reveled in his strength. He could soothe her nerves with a simple touch, an elegant grace always hidden under his social awkwardness.

They loved each other.

That more than anything had been what brought her from nervous to decided.

“The tsunami,” she said softly, sure her voice disappeared on the wind. “For something that should frighten me about things like kids, it’s made me even more sure that children are part of the future for us, Gil.”

He held her tightly for a long time, but the wait and the silence didn’t frighten her. He was processing, going over how many times they’d had the conversation, how often they’d battled out if being researchers was good for the life of children. After all, how often did they actually see each other?

Yes, the next trip was being done together. A friend had offered them a chance to hike through the desert for six weeks, looking for ruins, and they’d both jumped at the chance to spend some real time together. Craig had young children. She knew that might have been part of why she was willing to change her mind.

If Craig and Reagan could do it, so could they.

Glancing up into her husband’s eyes, she searched his thoughts, reading them as well as she read her own. That had been the problem for so long with their relationship, back when there were lines and boundaries they dared not cross. Even then, she had read him better than he read himself.

“It’ll change everything, Sara.”

“Of course it will.” She smirked. “I mean, you’ll have to get a new backpack. I hear they don’t approve when you stuff a kid in alongside a laptop and a bunch of digging tools.”

He laughed. It was such a glorious sound. When he laughed, he didn’t care who heard him or if he caught anyone’s attention. Instead, he just laughed and he picked her up and spun her around and they laughed together.

“I love you,” he said as her feet found the ground again.

“I love you too.” She took his face in her hands and kissed him gently. “I’ve loved you forever. And if that isn’t a good enough reason to try and have a child, I really don’t know what is.”

He smiled and pulled her close and kissed her.

***

  
In the darkness, her breathing was deep and even. To him it was more soothing than the pounding of the waves against the shore, and he was glad for her willingness to get dirty and camp in one of the available spots on the beach. Given the cooler weather, they were the only campers, which had been a blessing considering how she’d screamed his name when she came earlier.

Tonight was not the first time they’d thrown caution to the wind and left protection behind. But understanding the intent behind the act was different.

The truth was that even conception would not be easy. Sara was almost forty and studies showed that his own advancing age could have some effect on any child they brought into the world, if she managed to conceive at all. There had been plenty of times they hadn’t used protection over the years, and as yet only one scare had been an infection.

But all missteps of the past did not change the intention, or how close he held her. It was no longer the case that they would deal with it if it happened. Now they had a point, a purpose, and it made loving her that much sweeter.

Even now, knowing that she loved him, he felt he did not deserve her. Her eternal patience in dealing with his infernal meddling, her ability to sense an impending migraine from three countries away, her way of knowing just what piece of research he was searching for. She was there, always, and when he saw her in Costa Rica those years ago, he’d known he not only wanted to have a life with her, but a family as well. Now he had the chance.

In sleep, her naked body molded against his, and he felt the lingering after effects of their love making – the damp place between her legs, the sticky bonding of their bodies. Tonight, there had been no condom to throw away before he held her. It was just them and whatever the future held. In a couple of weeks, they would head out into the desert together, a mini project with a friend, and somewhere along the way, he knew, the future was waiting.

“Your brain is turning. I can hear the gears.”

He chuckled and ran a hand up her back. She did not even wear earrings; no one would ever guess the extent of the artwork on her body. The tattoos hidden from any prying eyes, her own story, not meant for any others to see or understand. Her piercings were long gone; she’d never replaced them after her ordeal in the desert, but she had added a tattoo after they married – a simple flower over her heart.

“I’m just listening to you breathe.”

“Given my line of work, that line is always kind of creepy.”

“I’m a kind of creepy guy.”

Sara laughed and ran her hand over his stomach. He loved how she loved to play in the soft hair that covered his never quite flat belly. Her long fingers would trace abstract patters on his skin, always dipping lower and lower until she found her true destination.

He was glad that she loved to stroke his cock with her long, perfect fingers.

“Yeah, you can be. Bugman.”

Groaning as she stroked down his length, Grissom quickly leaned up and silenced her giggles with a kiss, rolling her in their loose sleeping bag so she was under him. Her hips tilted upward, seeking him, and to his surprise, his body responded. Once a night was usually his limit. But she was wet and open and now their mating was more than something meant for pleasure. He kissed her, again, shifting their bodies, reveling in the friction two people created together.

Pushing back on his elbows, Grissom met his wife’s gaze. She smiled. A simple smile, not meant for seduction or play, just a smile. It was all he needed. As he sank into her, her leg went over his hip, and it was only the gusts of wind and the sounds of the water on the beach that rivaled the gasps heard in the little tent.

_~fin~_


End file.
